


ephemeral

by emptyswimmingpools



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Hopeful Ending, M/M, Post-Episode: s01e13 Morning Star, amongst other issues, the big mortality/immortality burden
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-03 03:06:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6594202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emptyswimmingpools/pseuds/emptyswimmingpools
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thought of Magnus’ kind smile and unusual eyes was enough to send Alec’s heart tumbling into flip-flops, making him feel unwantedly flustered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ephemeral

Alec had a lot of worries in his life — some trivial, others of much more importance. They sat engraved in his brain much alike a tattoo, taunting and teasing lightly every so often, much like an itch or bite just willing to be scratched, tingling incessantly all the time. They were hidden, concealed; only himself carried the weight of them, nobody — regardless of closeness — else. And it was all he needed, as he didn’t particularly feel comfortable burdening those close to him with the worry that he wasn't always as fine as he let on.

There was a certain sensation of uncomfort that burnt through his blood, scorched his veins whenever he tried to open up; it contributed to a built up wall of utter reluctancy that prevented him from willingly let people see the _real_ Alec. His hands went clammy and his breathing went erratic just at the mere thought of exposure. Perhaps it was irrational to panic that much about a few small issues, but Alec payed too much mind regardless. He always did.

Usually, these problems were not worth the painstaking thought Alec gave them. They were easily fixable, passing in the blink of an eye. They’d come and go like tourists at cheap hotels, bothering him for only a short while before disintegrating and disappearing away like they’d never even existed in the first place. He was content knowing of how sporadic they were, but sometimes, things were a lot more complicated.

Alec didn’t want to think of Magnus as a problem, because he was not. Not as a whole. Magnus was an enigmatic, good-hearted soul who cared deeply, regardless of whether he’d admit it or not. He was the reason Alec had came to terms with himself and accepted who he was — something that had burdened him from the youngest of ages, perpetually clouding his thoughts. It grasped at his throat, had him pinned against his will, made him hide away into an isolation he still was yet to fully get over. Only recently had he learnt to fight away the grip the thought had upon him.

Really, one of the main problems was only a small part of Magnus; it had little to nothing to do with who he was as a person or how he acted around Alec. It was something neither Magnus nor Alec himself could (legally) alter — even if it _could_ be changed, the guilt that would lay to rest upon his shoulders was far too much to even consider giving the option even a brief second thought.

Magnus was immortal. Alec was not. It was a basic fact, them both being a warlock and a shadowhunter, respectively.

He didn’t like thinking about it, not really. Why would he, after all? The ordeal only caused conflict to surge within his mind, keeping him up at night, peeling sleep away from him an hour at a time. It was utterly _exhausting_.

There were two things, mainly, that bothered Alec: one was selfish, one was far from it.

The first was his significance in Magnus’ life. Was he trivial? He must have been, surely — there were so many people in the world before him who Magnus adored, and there were so many people yet to come that were a possibility. Alec won’t be alive for that, he’ll be dead and gone while Magnus finds someone better — perhaps even someone immortal, like himself, who he could spend the rest of his life with.

Alec knew he was small in comparison to the vast majority of people in the world, who had fame and fortune and a significant impact on their side. He’d never have that kind of mark, and that didn’t bother him on a larger scale. On Magnus’ scale, however, he wanted his dent to matter.

But the second and most important issue was the second-hand pain he felt for Magnus, knowing he had lost those close to him. He had watched people die around him left, right and center — people who he cared for and cherished the existence of. He couldn’t imagine losing even one person he loved, let alone a hundred or so.

Magnus was… he was everything lovely and _more_. He was one of the most important people in Alec’s life, and all he could ever wish for the man was nothing short of happiness, because that was what he deserved. But despite that, Alec couldn’t help but wonder if this was all simply not worth it.

Well, was Magnus worth breaking his heart over? Could he live with the guilt of knowing that he’d start ageing eventually one day, only to eventually die and leave Magnus with another phase of disheartenment? Would their relationship survive the obstacle anyway? These were all questions Alec knew not of the answers to, much to his displeasure.

The only thing that remained on his side was hope. He could only hope that they’d make it through this, that there was some kind of solution they could both agree on. He hoped that his relationship with Magnus wouldn’t end up being a star-crossed tragedy ( _not_ like Romeo and Juliet, for example, but still destined to be doomed), plagued with the burden of unsuccess. But, most importantly, he hoped that Magnus would be OK; that was all he could ask for.

Was Magnus even _his_? Could he refer to him as his boyfriend, in despite of them technically never making it official? It seemed likely; the possibility was heavily implied by the whole date talk, amongst Magnus’ flirting. Even if they weren’t, Alec wanted them to be. The thought of Magnus’ kind smile and unusual eyes was enough to send Alec’s heart tumbling into flip-flops, making him feel unwantedly flustered.

He was forward, normally. His bluntness was a blessing and a curse simultaneously — it was a sign of both impatience and honesty. So why, when it came to Magnus, was he so unlike himself? His words would come out in stuttered fragments, a smile daring to tug at the corners of his lips almost constantly. He was hopelessly ineloquent most of the time, yet Magnus _still_ understood what he meant, what he was trying to say.

It was confusing. He felt like he was in a cheesy teen romcom, one with horrid acting and bad directing, and rightfully earned bad ratings. The kind where the lead would continuously insist they were in love, and would describe it every bloody half second. Except, Alec wasn’t exactly in _love_ , per say. Not yet.

Perhaps, in time, he would be. But that would require opening up and actually letting himself _fall_ , and that was a daunting thing to think about. Truthfully, he didn’t think he was quite ready to fall in love. By the Angel, Alec hardly knew anything about being in love! He was limited only to Magnus’ description of love being more like “symptoms” — heart beating fast, loss of breath, skin tingling — and general, basic things he’d picked up through growing up.

He didn’t know what loving someone was, not really. He was unbeknownst to pain, to the elatedness. He didn’t know what it was like to wake up next to someone each morning, revelling in the sight of them. But maybe, just maybe, Magnus was worth finding out exactly that. It seemed like it — if Alec had to pick anyone to experience all these firsts with, he’d go for Magnus in a heartbeat, if that. He could be worth all the risks in the world, but at the end of the day, Alec would never know unless he tried.

And so he did.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm ngl, i hate how this ended, but i _had_ to just stop and post it in the end bc i could've carried on editing all night. feedback is appreciated (as always!) and i love you all very much.
> 
> [rebloggable version [here](http://sighmemes.tumblr.com/post/143032655609/ephemeral-pairing-magnusalec-word-count-1268)]


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